I like everyone to be happy. I care about other people's feelings. The problem is, when I try to make the choices that make everyone happy, while also considering everyone's feelings, there's no possible way for 100% of people to be happy 100% of the time. And so I agonize, and I try to find the happy medium (there's that word again--happy). The only person who ends up almost completely unhappy is me. And I'm miserable. So what can I do? I would like to feel moderately content. I would even settle for less miserable.
I feel the weight of other people's expectations hanging around my neck like a millstone. And it weighs me down terribly. I wish I could say, "I'm sure I don't do things the way you'd like me to. But I'm not apologizing for this." Instead, I keep my mouth shut and make gestures to soothe my guilt over not fulfilling the expectations I perceive from others.
I think this translates to people as: "I'm happy! I like to help! Let me serve you in any way!" In reality, it's pretty selfish of me--I do this stuff so that I can forgive myself for not being everybody's everything and move on until the next time I feel like I don't measure up. Lather, rinse, repeat.
And you know what's happened? Rather than finding grace, inner peace, and a healthy love for myself, the only thing I've found is resentment. Furthermore, my guilt is no longer soothed, because I now question people's motives.
And I'm pretty sure some have figured this out. They must know that I help out of a sense of guilt, and so rather than asking for assistance, they've come to expect that I'm just going to rise to the occasion and so they assume I'll be helping them out. It's no longer, "Are you available to help me?" Now it's, "What have you done for me lately?"
I don't want my kids to become so jaded, but I also don't want them to end up in my shoes.
Random, I know. Sorry.
1 comment:
That is hard, I'm sorry.
I too try to please others too much and worry about someone not being happy, so like you said I end up not being happy.
It is a vicious cycle.
I'm sorry that you are pretty much being taken advantage of. That is not cool either.
Wish I had answers for you. Just know you are not alone.
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