I am learning that the older my kids get, the less I know or understand about parenting. With a newborn, it's simple...baby cries, and it's one of three things: baby is hungry, baby is tired, or baby needs a diaper change. It's really not all that complicated. But figuring out why an older child collapses into hysterics over something seemingly unimportant is incredibly baffling. And it shouldn't be. I parked my butt in a desk at an institution of higher learning for 4 years to get a piece of paper that says I know a fair amount of information about the world around me, and I spend most days confused beyond belief.
I love being a mother, but it is HARD WORK. I can't think about my future as a parent because I get overwhelmed by it all. My days are already packed full of my children's lives, and it seems like some days I can hardly fit everything in. What will I do when they become teenagers?! By then, I hope they are all able to dress and feed themselves independently. I also hope that I can stop sounding like a CD that skips and says, "Brush your teeth." over and over and over again. (I was going to call myself a broken record, but really, CDs have been around since I was 5 or 6.) When I get to the day that I only have to say things once and have my kids actually listen and do what I ask is something I dream about on a regular basis. (That, and getting a large and generous banana split all to myself.) For now, I just get to repeat everything ad nauseum and try not to get too upset when I've said the sentence "Please get dressed." for the 12th time in 10 minutes.
And how about guilt? Oh, I am almost consumed by it sometimes. I feel guilty if I am too tired to read some nights. I feel guilty when my kids don't like what I serve for dinner and so they don't really eat anything and I put them to bed without dessert or even a decent bowl of cereal. I feel guilty when Lucy says, "Can I sleep in your bed?" and I tell her, "Not tonight." I could go on and on. I try to remind myself that a good parent sets limits, and also takes care of themselves sometimes. And the kids won't starve to death overnight.
Wow...all of this introspection is making me tired. Even Benedryl doesn't work this well! I guess I just needed to put this out there and let go of it. Tomorrow is always another day. Such a comforting thought. If you made it through this meandering mess of thoughts, kudos to you! Don't worry, I won't make this a habit.
Gina
1 comment:
I am totally with you. It's hard enough some days to think an hour or so ahead, let alone think about years down the road and how we will make it through that. The thought of the teenage years frightens the poo out of me. How am I suppose to handle those years, when sometimes it's hard to handle the little tantrums that the little bodies throw. I can't think about it!
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